Please send the deregulation hit squad: all I want is some double-glazing

Getting double-glazing fitted at home seemed such a good idea to begin with.

It then got better when I had the fun of watching of Ricky Gervais type character doing acrobatics on the hinge of a sample double-glazing unit to demonstrate its strength. I may now know that the hinge can take the full weight of a fully grown man, though I must admit I’m still not quite sure why I’d want to know that.

But then came sorting out the administration.

Five different pieces of legal authorisation are required. Plus two maps. With all the charges put together adding an extra 25% to the final cost.

And I don’t even live in a listed building or a conservation area.

You only need one form to apply to import nuclear materials to the UK. (It’s here if you are so minded.) And that form is only two sides of A4.

But my double-glazing needs five pieces of legal approval. And two maps. Perhaps it’s all because goodness knows what it might do to the neighbourhood if you don’t buy from the Ricky Gervais type and a hinge malfunctions.

So why five, and two maps?

Number one I can, with a quick grumble, appreciate. It’s planning permission – which I need as the house I live in is split into two flats. So I can understand there being a rule that in such a case I have to get planning permission even though if there was no-one else in the same building I wouldn’t. Sort of safeguard for my very close neighbours. Though given all the application ends up saying is ‘I want to put in double glazing’ without any details, the application hardly provides any serious ground for evaluating what the impact would be on my neighbours.

And despite the simplicity of the planning application (double glazing windows to go in where windows currently are) I need to supply two different sets of plans of the area. With different, legally specified colour schemes. And names that don’t match up with the government’s own official guidance on what maps to get. And the plans don’t need to show the windows or where they go. They just need to show where I live. Twice.

Number two I can, with a slightly longer grumble, also appreciate. The council owns the freehold so I need the freeholder’s permission. OK. Except it turns out I don’t need the one permission. I need it in three different legal forms. With three different fees, all running up their own costs.

Good news is that fifth of the required pieces of permission is one the builder can self-certify.

But it still gives all the signs of a cumbersome, complicated, slow and expensive bureaucratic system that achieves almost nothing – except run up the costs for being honest and encouraging people to break the law to avoid the 25% extra on their bill.

If I really must pay for people to shuffle paper around to not much end, can’t I opt to pay them to make origami instead? A nice origami elephant would almost make the whole process worthwhile.