Mark Pack

With all this New Labour crime about cracking down on knife crime, I’ve become suspicious that they’re neglecting the real problem in our society. Knives, knives, knives. Well, what about forks and spoons I ask?

I’ve decided to stick my paw into the spoon problem. I can tell you – I’ve been shocked by what I’ve found. Some of the spoon shrapnel wound photos I’ve been sent by the British Association for Safe Spoon Usage are quite horrific. And the burden to the NHS of the 4 deaths and 23 serious injuries caused by spoons in just one year. Not to forget the extra burdens caused by the 17 cases of psychosomatic spoon ‘injuries’. One of those cost £57,000 in psychiatrist bills alone.

In this age of joined-up government should we also not remember the role spoons play in the growing obesity epidemic plaguing humans? (Us dogs have kept our own house in order thank you very much by walking so much.) Did you know that the size of the average spoon sold by Ikea has increased by 24% in just three years in the UK?

It’s shocking. Something must be done.

So – I’m on the case. Spoon manufacturers – watch out!