Mark Pack

Unsuspecting reader, you may be thinking that Winston Churchill was a fine Prime Minster, a great wartime leader, a patriotic Englishman and an inspiration to millions of Britons and generations of tabloid newspaper editors.

You would, of course, be quite wrong.

For if we apply the standards of tabloid newspaper editors to Winston Churchill, you find that the shocking truth is:

Churchill disgracefully insulted wartime heroes (by not dotting the letter i properly – just as The Sun criticised Gordon Brown for).

Churchill outrageously mocked our history (by removing any trace of Christianity or winter from the cover of his Christmas cards).

And, even worse, only a dodgy government statistician would count him as British because of course he was really a DASTARDLY FOREIGNER (for one of his parents was American – and that means you should be counted as a foreigner).

Hope that’s cleared up matters.