Coming soon: victory over obesity, acne and being male

Good news is about to hit the UK (or perhaps England and Wales; or maybe just England).

Soon we will have photographic proof from the media that the nation’s young people have banished the scourge of obesity.

What’s more, acne has gone too.

There’s a lot of smiling about, however – perhaps as a result.

Jumping in the air is also in.

Though being a man is certainly on the way out.

Why yes, exam results are soon to be upon us which means the media will shortly be bringing us lots of photos of slim blonde women jumping in the air without any dour, slightly chubby men anywhere to be seen. And of course the media accurately reflects a story in its choice of photos doesn’t it?

So ready your web browsers for a look over sexyalevels.tumblr.com, though there is one slight cloud on the horizon. Financial Times turncoat Chris Cook has been muttering about undermining this noble media tradition. Lock him up in a room with only a trampoline and a blonde wig for company I say.