Political

Which of the five Lib Dem reshuffle options will Nick Clegg pick?

Five scenarios for your delectation:

The Lib Dem night of the long beards

The drastic, dramatic and painful option. Clegg says the Liberal Democrats need David Laws’s expertise and media savvy at the heart of economic decision making, restoring him to Chief Secretary to the Treasury. Clegg expresses tearful regret that Danny Alexander is off out of the Cabinet, with a resting place as a new Parliamentary Private Secretary in the Cabinet Office where he will not have to handle quite so many tricky TV interviews.

Education, education, education

Too problematic to bring back Laws in a tax and cut role? Bring him in back in his area of policy interest and expertise then, decides Clegg, bringing Laws in for Teather, shifting Teather sideways with the non-Cabinet male Lib Dem ministers playing a game of scissors, paper, stone to decide who gets the chop as Clegg preserves a modicum of concern over male-dominated politics.

Clegg means it when he says he wants more women

Out go Baker, Harvey, Moore and Stunell and in come Burt, Swinson and up go Featherstone and Teather as Clegg says, “I admit it. It would be too embarrassing if the first Lib Dem coalition in a century started, continued and ended dominated by men and with an all-male Lib Dem Cabinet line up”.

Celebrity politics for a celebrity age

Lembit Opik is made a life peer, coming into government at transport with a plan of a free Segway for every child in receipt of free school meals. “Lembit is taking our social mobility drive to an all-new all-star level”, explains Clegg.

Appearance is all

David Heath asked to shave off his beard as Clegg talks about the need for the Liberal Democrats to look like a party in government, non-hirsute variety.

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