A Shakespeare play about tomatoes

In my latest weekly email about political polling, The Week in Polls, I wrote:

ChatGPT is having a moment. It’s the chat bot powered by artificial intelligence that has shown itself able to produce some remarkably good answers, prompting renewed speculation about just how good (or powerful or domineering) AI may yet get. But does it understand political opinion polling?

You’ll have to read that edition to find out the answer. But I also on a whim tried it out on something a little more dramatic:

Me: Write a Shakespeare play about tomatoes.
ChatGPT: Here is a potential Shakespearean play about tomatoes.

The Tragedy of the Tomato

Synopsis: In a kingdom ruled by a tyrannical king, a group of rebels plot to overthrow the monarchy and establish a republic. As part of their plan, they decide to poison the king’s favourite food, the tomato, with a deadly toxin. However, their plan goes awry when the king’s daughter, who is secretly in love with one of the rebels, consumes the poisoned tomato by mistake. The play follows the rebels as they struggle with guilt and regret, and the king as he grapples with the loss of his daughter and the impending threat of revolution.

Act I:

Scene 1: In the royal palace, the king sits on his throne, surrounded by his courtiers. He is furious, having just learned of the rebels’ plan to poison his tomatoes.

King: “Fie upon these insolent rebels! How dare they plot against their rightful ruler! Send out the guards and bring them to me at once!”

Courtier: “My lord, we have already sent out the guards. But the rebels are cunning and well-hidden. It may take some time to capture them.”

King: “I will not tolerate this treason! The punishment for their crimes will be swift and severe.”

Scene 2: In a hidden hideout, the rebels are discussing their plan.

Rebel 1: “The time has come for us to act. The king’s tyranny can no longer be tolerated. We must poison his tomatoes and strike a blow against his rule.”

Rebel 2: “But what of the consequences? If we are caught, we will face certain death.”

Rebel 3: “It is a risk we must take. For the sake of our freedom and the future of our kingdom.”

Act II:

Scene 1: The rebels successfully poison the tomatoes and deliver them to the king’s kitchen. However, unbeknownst to them, the king’s daughter has discovered the plan and decides to consume the poisoned tomato herself, hoping to protect her lover, who is one of the rebels.

Princess: “I know not why I do this thing. But I cannot bear the thought of him being harmed. I will take the toxin upon myself and hope for the best.”

Scene 2: The king discovers his daughter’s lifeless body and is overcome with grief.

King: “O my sweet child! How could this happen? Who is responsible for this heinous crime?”

Courtier: “My lord, we have discovered that the rebels were behind the poisoning. They meant to kill you, but the princess must have consumed the tomato by mistake.”

King: “The rebels will pay for their treachery. But nothing can bring back my beloved daughter. I am consumed by grief and rage.”

Act III:

Scene 1: The rebels are captured and brought before the king.

King: “You have committed a grave offense. For your crimes, you will be executed without mercy.”

Rebel 1: “We did not mean for the princess to be harmed. It was a tragic accident.”

Rebel 2: “We only sought to overthrow your tyranny and establish a republic.”

King: “You speak of freedom, but your actions have brought only death and sorrow. I will not listen to your pleas for mercy. Take them away and prepare for their execution.”

Scene 2: In the final scene, the rebels are led to the gallows, while the king grieves for his daughter and struggles with the consequences of his actions.

King: “Oh”.

Scholars may wish to argue about whether or not the King’s final speech has been truncated by a technical limitation.